Is he a ‘Lead with Love’-type Leader?

I was doing a coaching session with a group of leaders just the other day, discussing the Evaluation section of my book, when one of the members of the group interrupted the flow and said something like, “Gerry, I have been in this session for some time, and I really think I agree with everything you are saying, but I have a question: Can a boss be a great leader and not be a leader who follows your principles?”

Candidly, I was taken aback by the comment, and really was not certain how to answer it, so… when in doubt I used the time-tested, “pose a question back” strategy. So, I asked, “Have you ever had a boss that you thought at the time was a great leader, but who did not meet the standards we have been talking about?” (I think I secretly hoped that the answer would be, “NO!” because it would have given me a chance to reinforce some of the key principles we already talked about, and then I would be doneBut…Much to my surprise (and obvious disappointment) I got a “YES!”. Well, that was the end of my “easy out”, so using the same technique, I posed a second question to her. “What was it about that man that made you think he was a great leader, and what were the things he did not do in accordance with the principles we have been discussing?” I was certain that this would bring the conversation to a close, but the young woman was not going to give up easily, and she responded: “Well, I loved working for him, I learned more from him than anybody else ever taught me, and we were the best unit in the company.”

That did it; I was not going to be able to dodge this question any longer. I needed to drill down on this person, but now I had a pretty good idea where I was going to take the discussion. I then pursued having this person tell me all the reasons why she thought that the leader was not matching my Lead with Love Model. It really began with the word Love. She essentially told me that he was a bit cold, clearly aloof, maybe even a bit brusque. People who worked for him were generally intimidated by him; he did not communicate much, and certainly did not communicate a “loving feeling.” He was stern and actually did not have much patience with people who did not commit to doing what he wanted them to do. He could get impatient and would frequently jump on people who did not perform.
All of these behavioral characteristics convinced my group members that this man could not be a person who loved. That was when I realized that this was a great question and that this situation was a great opportunity for me to make the point that Lead with Love does not mean lead with “warm and fuzzy.” Yes, that is very much the point, and although I use Vince Lombardi in my book as an example of somebody who I think could lead with love, but was not warm and fuzzy, I guess I did not make that point strongly enough.

The “Love” I am talking about is the love that is inside the person. It is the love that drives the person’s behavior, not the love that we all see day in and day out as friendly, warm, even “huggy.” There is no simple measure to identify the quality of a leader’s love, but it is clear that what matters is the long-term impact he/she has on us, and the depth of the caring that is manifested in the day to day behavior. I might strongly criticize weak performance in one or more associates, almost every day, but if at the end of the day, I also know how to effectively recognize superior performance, then I am leading with Love, because I have focused on the improvement of the associate and I am taking the time to acknowledge success.

Leaders must always be focused on the mission of the organization. That is what we are charged to do, achieve results, and in my world, “Peak Performance.” The pursuit of excellence is not a soft, quiet ride. It is loaded with bumps, obstacles, mistakes, shortfalls, and ultimately tough, disciplined hard work. Leaders will push their associates to greatness, but only by pushing them to stretch and achieve top results. The staff will be pushed, and candidly, so will the leader. Leaders can seldom let down their guard, and seldom will they have the time to reflect on their own behavior.

That is why I constantly say that the ability to Love is not something you can fake. You either know how to love, or you do not. The tyrant, who has no real human sensitivity, or capacity to love, cannot fake caring for very long. The inevitable signs of a lack of love will show. Ironically, the leader truly capable of Love will also have a difficult time hiding that characteristic as well.

Now, back to my workshop participant, that leader may have some gruff behaviors, but he could not hide his humanity and his capacity to Love. He never lost site of the goal to achieve peak performance, but there were clearly behaviors that showed that he knew what mattered to his associates and he reinforced their behavior with Love.

Now, it is also clear that some tough-minded, hard-to-work-for bosses are so tough to work for that even if they are leading with love, you simply will not be able to work for them. I am certain that some of the people who work for our “tough guy” boss eventually decided that they could not handle the guy, and they would quit. Some of those people may have actually been capable of achieving success, if only they had a boss with a different personality. In my view, that is a key element in any leadership situation. Some people simply require a different environment to flourish, and not all leaders can have a positive impact on their associates, even if they truly have all the Love I would hope they start with.

That is why Love is not the only chapter in the book. The Lead with Love book talks about Love first, but it does not stop there; it goes on to talk about many other factors that make a great leader. Love may be a necessary condition for being a great leader, but …it is not a sufficient condition. Said another way, it may be essential that you love in order to lead, but there is much more to leading than loving. No doubt, many leaders also learn that the flip side of that argument is true as well; the mechanics of management are necessary for effective leadership, but they are not enough either. The love component, that human connection that gets inside the hearts and minds of the team, cannot be ignored or lost. The balance is essential.

Another balance that is essential is the balance between the mission and the associates. If we, as leaders, are to keep our associates focused and committed, we need to know when to stress the mission, and when to stress the human factors. Each must be honored, and yet, if our associates are not completely connected to the leader and to each other, then there is likely to be slippage in their ability to stay focused on the mission. What is inside our head impacts — even drives — what we do each day. If our minds are cluttered with extraneous emotional stress, or intellectual confusion, we will drift, and our ability to stay on point with the goals of the organization will also drift.

That is what the leader must do; the leaders must understand that balance, and must know when to back off and make the associates the priority. It may only be for a moment, or as much as a day but, whatever it is, associates must be able to “recharge their batteries.” Great leaders sense that quickly, and react quickly to assure that the associates stay connected and focused.