ASK Gerry

Question- Keith:
I have my group of ‘office friends’ and lately the everyday communications have taken on the tone of gossip. Not only is it obviously interfering with productivity in but also makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to tarnish any relationships or create ‘bad blood’ but also do not want the discussions to continue like this. It’s only getting worse.

The Answer- Gerry:
Gossip is deadly in an organization. It is particularly toxic when it is “cynical, critical or down right cruel story telling” about associates. More often than not, gossip is innocent and simply childish. The times when it is hurtful, is when it is false and used to have a hurtful impact on an associate. The best thing you can do to discourage it, is to say that you simply do not believe it is healthy and that it can be hurtful, even when it may be true or partially true. You should let people know that you simply believe that it should not be done, and that you would appreciate it not being discussed around you.

There is another circumstance where it might be about you, and that is either not true, or actually endangers your reputation. In my view, it makes no sense to ignore it; you should confront those who are talking about you, calmly and carefully and request that they stop the gossip, and, assuming it is not true, tell them that it is not true. Be calm, and deliberate, and do not show anger. Simply make it clear that you are concerned and that you hope that they will not spread the falsehood.

All of that said, gossip is something that the tabloid press loves, and there are millions of subscribers who read that stuff. If there is any truth to the stories being told about you, then I suggest that you come to grips with the reality and address the behavior that might be causing people to “talk.” The fact is, most gossip is based on some level of truth, or half-truth, so it is almost impossible to avoid entirely.

Question- Paul:
I have worked in my current job for two months, and I already hate my boss, because he obviously thinks I am not doing my job adequately. During my last performance appraisal, he took a full hour telling me what I needed to do to improve, and never once told me he was happy with my work. I work very hard and even though I have made some mistakes, I think that he is being very unfair. What should I do?

The Answer- Gerry:
Well, I think that you need to take a deep breath. I must admit, I have a great deal of difficulty with your using the word “hate.” Having a problem with a boss is not uncommon, but the word hate really bothers me, so I am afraid I am worried about how deeply your emotions have sunk. Hate is a dangerous emotion, and I certainly hope that you used the word carelessly, rather than actually having hate in your heart.

With that said, I really think you also need to take a look in the mirror. I know only what you have told me, but the few facts I now have suggest that your boss actually may be trying very hard to help you succeed. You say that in your performance appraisal (after only two months, it was probably more a coaching session) he took a full hour telling you what you could do to improve. Yet you bemoaned the fact he did not tell you he is happy with your work. Well, it could be that he is not satisfied with your work, and that is why he had the counseling session with you.

Unfortunately, I think there is a chance that, in the mind of your boss, you really are not meeting the expectations of the job. Have you gotten clear guidance from him on what he expects of you? It sounds like in his counseling session he told you what to do; did he tell you what the job responsibilities are and exactly what he would call success? If not, then I suggest that you go back to him and get that answer. If he has made the expectations clear, and now he is counseling you on how to achieve them, then I think the burden is on your shoulders to start focusing on doing those things.

A loving boss is one who takes the time to lead. If your boss took a full hour to explain what you need to do, I suggest to you that he is trying, at a minimum, and you need to step up and attempt to meet his expectations. In the event that you truly do have a serious problem with this boss, and cannot effectively do that, then it may be time for you to quit, but I think that at two months into the job, you need to stop, reflect on your performance, and try to be honest with yourself about “some mistakes” you made. It could be that the “some” is really “many,” and you need to see your job performance through your boss’s eyes.

On the other hand, I may not have all the facts, so I suggest that you ask yourself some of the questions I posed above. If this boss has many/most of these negative characteristics, then you may indeed have a problem. But, I caution you, be fair to him.

Question: Beth
How do I control the “class clown” without losing the laughs we sometimes need in the office?
I have an employee, who would generally be considered the “class clown” if we were in high school. He makes people laugh, and I love having him as part of my team, but sometimes his timing is inappropriate. I don’t want to lose his humor, nor the laughter he brings to the group, but I need to do something.

Answer-Gerry
This is a classic challenge. I argue in my newest book, Lead with Love, that humor is an essential principle for successful leaders. I believe that humor is essential to maintaining an environment that balances the concept of “enjoyment of work” with the intensity of a “focus on achievement.” There is no doubt that when we are focused on achievement, we can appear to be so intense that we drive out “enjoyment.” Humor provides a break in the intensity, and as so many psychology students would tell us, humor is good for the health. Having a “lightness of being” is a great way to give people an extra boost of energy to feel good about their workplace.

That said, too much humor can be as destructive as too much intensity. Too much humor can completely distract the group from achievement. Your “class clown” needs to be stopped, but as you say, you do not want to stop the humor altogether. In my view, the only way to a happy ending is to have a one-on-one conversation about the issue with the person. I suggest that you try to do it “with humor” so that you can communicate with him on a plane that matches his instincts. Make light of his humor, even make a joke of his joke, use the story line from his last joke, and build it into your feedback on how humor can be good — but can also be distracting.

As you probably already know, the class clown is almost always somebody who is looking for public recognition and “applause.” What you must not do is create a public embarrassment. That would be devastating, so keep the discussion confidential and light. Make certain you tell him you really love his humor, but you want to make certain that it is limited to times when it does not distract, and that it is done with a frequency that does not become a negative for him. Remember, make the problem one that will show him that it could create negative feelings towards him if he does it in the extreme. This person is looking for approval, not disdain, so make certain he knows the risk he runs with his associates.

Question- Carrie:
Ok, I have just fired my best friend. Now How do I live with myself.?

The Answer- Gerry:
That is the toughest thing any boss can do. I literally can feel your pain. Did you do it alone? Did your boss make you, or did you come to the conclusion that he was a problem?
There is no doubt, many in management jobs, particularly where you have worked together for a long time, have people working for them who might be, ”best friends.” Candidly, if my best friend were working for me, I would be inclined to either look for a transfer for myself, or for my friend. It is very difficult to separate that friendship from the work responsibilities as boss. I have never been in that position, but I can tell you, I do not think I could handle it. I cannot be certain that I would be able to separate the roles of friend and boss.

If you are the boss of your best friend:

1. Get a transfer for yourself or for your friend.
2. Be as far away from each other during the workday, as you can be.
3. Further, you need to recognize that you must subject your evaluation of them to a stronger sense of objectivity as you can. Make certain that he and you agree on what the core objectives are for the job, and then let him get out of your way and your from his.
4. You might even want to have a third party do an evaluation of him, just to be certain that you are being objective.
5. Try to avoid socializing with him. Candidly, if this is truly your best friend, that is going to be very difficult, if not impossible.
6. When all else fails, reconsider number 1.